Gladys Berejiklian’s fatal mistake.

EXCLUSIVE: Sources close to Gladys Berejiklian have revealed the fatal mistake which forced her to resign as Premier of NSW: she was not photographed with a dog.

Experts have conceded that a photograph with a cute dog would have distracted people from the corruption scandal which prompted her shock resignation.

“Australians trust anyone with a dog,” claimed a member of Berejiklian’s inner circle.

“If Gladys had been photographed with a dog before, or even after, the accusations of corruption from the ICAC, she would have won over every person in NSW and saved herself from having to resign. She was not forced out of office because of her rather sordid relationship with a disgraced politician, and not because of suspicious grants to a random shooting club. She was forced out because we didn’t create this photo op, it’s on us.”

Political insiders agree with Berejikilan’s team on the power of a photo with a dog.

“Australians are very gullible and impressionable, especially when people are photographed with dogs. The country is obsessed with dogs, and anyone who owns a dog, or even pretends to own one, is regarded as inherently good. Politicians, wayward footballers, corrupt businessmen and social media influencers all use dogs to soften and enhance their image, and it works.

This is why photo op’s with dogs are so useful, no essential, in Australia’s current political climate. They convince Australians that Scott Morrison is caring, that Peter Dutton is human, and that Anthony Albanese is…well…not nothing.

Somehow, Berejiklian’s team forgot this and we didn’t see any photos of Gladys with a dog. One photo with a pooch could have saved her political life.”

The failure to photograph the fallen premier with a furry friend has led some political commentators to suggest, privately, that Berejikilian was sacrificed by the LNP. Either because she is a woman, more popular Morrison, or not an openly devout Christian.

Experts also cite Morrison as evidence of the recuperative power of a photo with man’s best friend.

“Through his many failures and demonstrations of complete and utter incompetence, the prime minister has been photographed with a dog. When the public appear to be turning on him, he is photographed with a dog, or his family. When his brand is in urgent need of repair, he’s photographed with his family and a dog.”

According to leading political commentators, the only group of people who seem to see through Puppy Propaganda are members of independent anti-corruption agencies, like the one that ended the reign of the NSW premier. The same people Scott Morrison is scared to let into Canberra.

Experts were then asked if Australians are ever likely to see Berejiklian photographed with a dog.

“Only if she enters federal politics.”

Image: http://www.abc.net.au

The true origin of Mick Fuller’s iConsent App.

EXCLUSIVE: NSW Police Commissioner Mick Fuller has revealed that his controversial iConsent App was the cornerstone of his bid to land a role within the NRL and was designed to keep rugby league players out of prison. After failing to secure the NRL position, he proposed the App for the Australian public.

The proposed iConsent App was designed to record sexual consent and was expected to reduce the number of sexual assaults in the country. Reported sexual assault rose by 10 per cent in 2020, but only two percent of those cases led to guilty verdicts in court.

The commissioner was being considered for a role dedicated to improving the off-field behaviour of footballers, and he pitched the app to the NRL while three of its players were under investigation for sexual assault. NSW Premier Gladys Berejiklian blocked Fuller’s appointment, so the commissioner offered the App to the wider public.

“This App is perfect for the NRL, and ideal for the country in general,” Fuller announced.

“No woman in Australia will ever be raped again once this App is operational. If it can stop NRL players from raping women, it can stop anyone from raping women.”

Fuller then revealed secret features of the App which were to be included for NRL players, but will not be available to the general public.

“It would have been great, and it’s such a shame Gladys prevented me from working with the NRL,” he stated.

“Players could have customised the App according to the colours of their current team, and they could have downloaded the team’s mascot. There was a scoreboard for recording how many women they had ‘pulled’ on any given night, and a setting to rank the appearance of those women – just like the origins of Facebook. We were also designing a filter to make the women more attractive and allow players to boast to their teammates about their conquests.”

“What’s more, they could change the colour settings to blue or maroon during Origin season, and to their favoured national team during internationals. Of course, it also allowed women to consent to group sex, because no self-respecting rugby league player would ever have sex with a woman if he was not joined by one or more of his teammates.”

Fuller also explained that the App would have linked directly to sports betting Apps, and the various social media platforms which land professional footballers in trouble, and was equipped with video settings to allow players to make and distribute sex tapes. Designers of the App had been ordered to constantly upgrade its settings for footy players, to cater for anything from the mundane to the wildly kinky, including the ability to get consent from a dog.

Fuller himself told the media the iConsent App could be “the worst idea I have all year”, but it is still better than any suggestion from the prime minister. The Minister for Women has also been silent, as has the Attorney General, who can’t comment after taking sick leave since being accused of rape, infidelity, affairs with young staffers and general sleaziness.

Only time will tell if the App finds its way into the nation’s bedrooms. In the meantime, Fuller has devoted himself to his policing duties, and to completing his highly-anticipated eBook, Mick Fuller’s Complete Guide to Romance, Seduction and Foreplay.

Image: Ilan Dov

Australia makes world top list in Olympic year.

Australia enters an Olympic year as the only developed nation to make a world list of deforestation hotspots, due to land clearing which is decimating a national symbol.

Eastern Australia in particular has been singled out. The states of New South Wales and Queensland recorded the highest rates of land clearing, and experts fear that Victoria and Tasmania may soon catch up. The statistics are far more depressing than those recorded at the Montreal Olympic Games in 1976, where Australia failed to win a single gold medal.

  • Australia kills tens of millions of native animals each year as a consequence of land clearing, and is the worst offending country in the world for mammal extinctions.
  • The country has cleared nearly half of its forest cover in the last 200 years.
  • An area the size of the Melbourne Cricket Ground (MCG) is being destroyed every two minutes.
  • Australia has lost 27% of rainforest, 19% of open forest, 11% of woodland forest and 28% of mallee forest since 1750.
  • 73% of all deforestation and land clearing in Queensland is linked to beef production.
  • Carbon emissions released by land clearing across the country are equivalent to about a third of the total emissions released by all of the coal-fired power stations in the wide brown land. When native forest logging emissions are included, this is equivalent to at least half the carbon pollution of all Australian coal-fired power stations.

In response to the dismal performance at the Montreal Olympics, the Australian government poured millions of dollars into the creation of the Australian Institute of Sport. In response to the deforestation statistics, the Australian government poured millions of dollars into the resources and the agricultural sector.

Koala Killer

So real is the threat to wildlife that the NSW Premier, Gladys Berejiklian, earned the nickname Koala Killer, because the biggest threat to koalas in New South Wales is habitat loss. Under the Berejiklian government, restrictions were axed and land clearing rates dramatically increased, and this made eastern Australia one of the most infamous places on the planet for forest destruction. Some experts fear habitat loss could drive Koalas to extinction. How many countries knowingly wipe out a national symbol?

The sunshine state is not much better. 275,775 ha of likely koala habitat in Queensland was cleared between 2013 and 2018. Of this, 76% of likely koala habitat was cleared on land which is primarily dedicated to beef production.

Even if the Olympic Games do go ahead in 2021 and Australia wins many medals, what will the country’s athletes come home to?

Image: http://www.worldatlas.com