Scott Morrison to watch over his flock.

The Australian government has ordered every school, home and government office in the country to display a prominent image of Prime Minister Scott Morrison.

“Our great and beloved leader will be honoured with glorious images in every home, educational institution and government building throughout our great nation,” read a directive from the Prime Minister’s Office.

“Prominent images of our glorious leader will uplift the Australian people and inspire them to dutifully perform their vital role in advancing our nation and making Australia great again.”

“All of the great world leaders are honoured in this way,” continued the directive.

“The Sultan of Brunei, the Kim family, Mussolini, Mao Zedong, Hitler and Franco have all had images of themselves hung up in schools and government offices throughout their lands. Displaying an image of Scott Morrison on the wall is the perfect way for all members of Team Australia to honour our great and beloved leader, and to remind every citizen of their immense fortune to reside in his realm.”

Australia will reap enormous and tangible benefits from the initiative, according to the PM’s staff. School students will significantly improve their literacy, numeracy and academic achievement simply by looking at ‘Papa Smirk’ every day, and the images will motivate and educate tertiary students far more than would any increase in government funding.

“Iconic images of our benevolent leader will also eradicate public service waste and inefficiency, and will eliminate incompetence and corruption from every level of government.”

The directive from the PM’s office states that a minimum of four images must be hung in each school, university and TAFE classroom. In government offices and departmental buildings, one image must be visible to every person in every room at all times. In homes, the picture must hang above the front door. Parliament House in Canberra, meanwhile, will be graced with giant images of ‘Smirking Scott’ that will be visible from any point in the ACT.

Approved images include Scott in high-vis, Scott driving a truck, Scott drinking beer at the footy, Scott in a lab coat, Scott in camouflage, Scott and DIY, Scott the healer, Scott with coal, Scott with Jen and the girls, or any image containing Scott and the famous smirk.

Images which must not be displayed are Scott in Hawaii, Scott mansplaining, Scott forcing handshakes, Scott with lobbyists, Scott with donors, Scott with Christian Porter, Scott at Engadine Maccas, Scott with Clive Palmer, Scott with Donald Trump and pictures revealing the translucent strings connecting the prime minister to his puppet master, Rupert Murdoch.

“Images must be hung at least two metres off the ground, which is above the height of the average person. Lowering the image lowers the status of the chosen one, and is thus an offence. Every home, educational facility and government building in the country will soon be under 24-hour surveillance, and any image found to be posted below this height must be removed, and the perpetrator sent to Peter Dutton.

Employees in government offices will be supplied with approved images, while school teachers will be forced to purchase at least four gold-framed images out of their meagre salaries, and can obtain their order forms after purchasing any NewsCorp publication.

Image: Craig Greenhill

Schooled

Three years it had been since Maiko made her vow.

“I’m going. I’m leaving. No more waiting, no more excuses.”

Three years.

Maiko had convinced herself she’d outgrown her school, and outgrown the monotonous routine which swept her from one place to another with such relentless regularity that it had become organic.

Maiko’s cynicism belied her age, and it is why she rejected the flowery sentiments of her elders as they extolled the virtues of the school:

Unity

Safety

Belonging

Growth

Learning

“Spare me…what about Conformity?”

She had decided to finally break free. She would do it this time.

She hadn’t revealed her intentions of course. The school was famously suspicious of non-conformity and of those labelled ‘Free Thinkers’. Kai was a ‘Free Thinker’. He was sceptical, outspoken, uncouth and rebellious. He was accused of ‘swimming against the tide’. Kai was gone.

The mysterious object which regularly appeared glinting in the distance was her salvation, and lunchtime was the perfect opportunity to escape. While the rest of the school descended en-masse to engorge themselves on their daily sustenance, Maiko quietly slipped away and was soon separated from her peers. Her absence would be noted, but not until she had put sufficient distance between herself and the school.

A magnetic force lured Maiko to the mystical object and she floated towards it involuntarily. The temptation and promise of liberation drew her further and further from the school, and feelings of freedom overwhelmed her. She let herself drown in the intoxication of heightened alertness and unparalleled awareness, and thoughts of safety and belonging washed joyously from her consciousness.

The intriguing entity loomed larger and Maiko was able to make out some of its finer details. She drank in its kaleidoscopic facade and the sensual wondrous beauty which so captivated her that its very existence justified her bold escape.

Maiko was also very afraid. She knew intuitively that once she made contact with this object she could never go back; could never return to the school. This is what she wanted, what she’d dreamt of and longed for. But it had taken her three years to seize this moment.

Maiko drowned her fears and approached the enchanting object with a heady mixture of terror and excitement. She marvelled at the clash of colours which enveloped its shape, as well as its provocative swaying.

Just at the moment of contact, a wild thrashing of pulsating, animalistic energy rushed past Maiko and launched itself at the wondrous object with such force that the apparition was entirely unidentifiable. Maiko reeled in shock and remained transfixed as the frenzied being latched onto her prize and wrestled it savagely.

“Nooooooooo,” cried Maiko in utter despair. “My salvation???????????”

The thrashing subsided. Slowly the body fell limp. The being revealed itself.

Kai?

A look of unbridled fear shot from Kai’s eyes and speared into Maiko’s soul. Kai disappeared skywards. He was gone: forever.

Hungry, chastised and humbled, Maiko swam back to the school.

Image: Element5Digital

Australian Museum of Democracy to open in Canberra.

A museum commemorating the existence of democracy in Australia will soon be opened in Canberra. The Australian Museum of Democracy will serve as a historical reminder of the days when democracy was a central pillar of the nation’s government.

The Prime Minister of Australia, Scott Morrison, opened the museum recently and spoke glowingly of democracy as a prominent feature of Australia’s past.

“Democracy belongs in a museum,” he gloated.

“I am enormously proud to announce the establishment of the Australian Museum of Democracy in the nation’s capital, and I am equally proud to have overseen the destruction of that democracy.”

“The museum reminds all Australians of a time when governments acted democratically and largely in the interests of their constituents, and I encourage all Australians to make the journey to Canberra and look back with fondness at such an idyllic period in our history.”

“The delightful museum is located in Old Parliament House, which hasn’t been used for governing since 1988, and this is appropriate because there’s not much democracy in the new parliament house,” Morrison smirked.

The museum displays numerous artefacts from the nation’s democratic history since Federation in 1901. One section is dedicated to the Free press and recalls a time when media outlets were owned by numerous people and offered a variety of opinions on current affairs and politics. It also recounts the days when the federal and state governments were not controlled by the man who now owns almost all of Australia’s media, Rupert Murdoch.

Visitors can read, view and listen to news stories which reported the news, rather than simply reproducing government press releases or repeating the latest slogan from the government. Visitors can also learn about something called ‘investigative journalism’ and how this held society’s leaders to account.

Many younger Australians will be amazed to learn that mainstream news content was once more than just government press releases, celebrity gossip, reality TV show recaps and stories about football WAGS.

Genuine choice in parties

The museum also contains archival and historical relics detailing the days in which Australians enjoyed a genuine choice between political parties. The Liberal, National and Labor parties all stood for distinct principles, and while they came together during times of hardship such as war, they provided Australian voters with a genuine choice according to the voter’s world view.

Australians passing through the museum can also witness politicians making policies, not slogans, and parliamentary debates obsessed with producing laws, not sound bites. They can also read transcripts of opposition members challenging policy proposals of the government, instead of weakly acquiescing.

The remainder of the museum exhibits evidence of a time when the Australian government did not attempt to merge religion and politics or glorify war, and a time when the government respected the right of citizens to protest. Australians can reminisce on a time when border security was not a national obsession, and when particular racial or religious groups were not blamed for the nation’s every problem.

Australians can also look back on a time when politicians did not use exclusive nationalism to win votes and divide the nation, and when corporations were expected to pay tax and behave responsibly. Finally, Aussie citizens can look back at a time when the government was not attempting to spy on its own citizens, unless they were red and hiding under the bed.

Image: Aditya Joshi

P.S. The Museum of Australian Democracy exists. It is real. This article is satire, written to draw attention to the erosion of democracy in Australia by the current government. The actual Museum of Australian Democracy is in Old Parliament House, Canberra, and it houses a real collection of real archives depicting real events in Australia’s political history. Apparently it’s quite interesting and informative.