IOC announces new sport on eve of Tokyo games.

The International Olympic Committee (IOC) has added Jousting to its official program in an effort to ensure the Tokyo 2021 games are completely COVID-safe.

“Jousting makes a welcome addition to the Olympic family,” read a statement from the IOC.

“We are very excited to add the ancient sport to the Equestrian program and did so for one very good reason: social distancing. Jousters will not pass within 1.5 metres of each other while competing because if they did, they would be smashed with a jousting stick and fall off their horse. In this way, Jousting is very much an extension of Fencing – a very long extension.”

“The sport forms the centrepiece of our COVID-safe games and it will not replace an existing sport. Jousters wear harnesses, or armour, which helps stop the potential spread of infection, and if they sneeze, they will sneeze straight into their full-face helmet and not onto anyone else.”

Jousters will compete on horses supplied to them, as all horses must have been in Japan for at least 12 months prior to competition, in line with strict quarantine rules. Riding a new and unknown horse is expected to add to the unpredictability and excitement of the event. Competitors, meanwhile, are ready to make their Olympic Games debut despite the very short notice.

“The IOC scoured the web for historical medieval re-enactment societies to find jousters, and the response was overwhelming. Jousters from all over the world immediately completed the application form and contacted their respective National Olympic Committees. Some even had patriotic medieval uniforms already made, and we look forward to seeing these on display in Tokyo.”

“Our other new sports also encourage social distancing. Skateboarders compete one at a time, sport climbers do not share the same rock wall, and surfers will never come together, as any elite surfer knows never to drop in.

Golf is largely risk free, because players can clean their ball at every tee, and sports such as Archery and Shooting are also guaranteed to be COVID-safe, because no one will get too close to a competitor carrying a deadly weapon.”

Traditional sports such as Boxing and the martial arts disciplines do present some challenges, the spokesperson conceded.

“Governing bodies and the IOC are still discussing a proposal to have wrestlers compete naked, like in the ancient Olympics, but to cover themselves in sanitising gel instead of essential oils. Boxers will coat their gloves in sanitiser before their match and between rounds.

Relay runners at Athletics will pass through a mist machine containing disinfectant at each baton change. In this way, the baton is sanitised before being passed to the next runner. High Jump and Pole Vault mats will be coasted in sanitiser, as will the bar. Likewise, throwers will select one Putt, Discus, Hammer or Javelin in round 1, write their name on it, and use the same one throughout the competition.

Rowing will see some changes. The 8’s become the 4’s, and the 4’s becomes the pairs and so on, because rowers must leave one seat between themselves and other competitors, just like on public transport. We’re certainly not expecting any world records in this sport, especially since the cox will be a robot instead of a person.”

The extended statement from the IOC then outlined further changes to existing Olympic sports amid the global pandemic.

“Handball poses a problem, even if just for the name itself. Meanwhile, a handball in Football will now result in an automatic red card and two week period of self-isolation for the offending player.

Water Polo will be played in pools so heavily chlorinated competitors will feel like they’re in a swimming lesson during an English winter, while Rhythmic Gymnastics coaches will use Super Soakers to spray the apparatus with disinfectant every time the gymnast throws it into the air.”

The spokesperson also conceded that Modern Pentathlon gives little cause for concern, not just because the 5 sports are all individual.

“It’s because nobody watches the event anyway.”

The biggest risk of transmission at any international multi-sport event is, of course, the athletes village. Asked what specific protocols will be implemented to separate the world’s fittest, healthiest, most athletically-gifted young people from all over the globe, the spokesperson replied:

“We’re not going to bother…”

Image: Vladimir Wrangel

Let Them Drink Bleach.

trumpsupporters

If US citizens want to drink bleach to protect themselves from COVID-19, why are we trying to stop them?

When news broke that certain commentators and influential leaders in the USA advised their supporters to drink bleach in order to immunise themselves from the deadly disease, sane people rushed to social media and other channels to strongly advise them against this course of action.

Why?

Why didn’t we let them drink bleach?

Because many people would have died. Yes, many bigoted, ignorant, intolerant, stupid Trump supporters would have died. They are the biggest threat to the world right now.

So, you have something against Trump supporters?

Yes, I do. But not because it’s de rigueur, and not because I’m an inner-city, latte sipping lefty. But because Trump supporters, and stupid people throughout the world, are the biggest threat to our planet.

They are populating the earth.

Overpopulation is the biggest threat to the world right now. There are simply too people many on the planet and we as a species have not found a way to limit or restrict birth rates. If we continue to populate the earth at current rates and to live the destructive lifestyle we now follow, we will destroy the earth. Before the earth finally succumbs to the current cycle of abuse, life on the planet will be horrible for many, many people.

They are climate change deniers

Trump supporters advocated the consumption of bleach, and Trump supporters deny climate change. This denial was a strong component of Trump’s election campaign, and remains a major weapon in his efforts to win re-election. His personal attacks on Greta Thunberg and the countless destructive policies of his government will accelerate climate change and further destroy the natural environment upon which we all rely for our survival. He can continue to do this because ignorant people continue to vote for him, just as stupid people continue to vote for Morrison (Australia) Johnson (UK) Bolsonaro (Brazil) and other such leaders.

They are religious

Most Trump supporters come from the Bible Belt, the religious heartland of the country. Most of them are Christian (it would be hard to find a Muslim who supports Trump) and organised religion is a major barrier to solving many of the world’s problems.

Primarily, religion is a major impediment to reducing the world’s population. As we have already outlined, overpopulation is the biggest problem facing the world. Religion hampers efforts to limit population growth because it prevents or even criminalises practical solutions such as euthanasia, suicide, abortion, birth control, homosexuality and gender equality.

Research indicates that relationships with greater gender equality produce less offspring. Same sex couples cannot naturally reproduce, and euthanasia, legal suicide, abortion and accessible contraception would all help to reduce the world’s population.

They vote against their best interests

Ironically, the stupid people are destroying their own future. To demonstrate this, we can go to Australia. Recently, China imposed strict tariffs on Australian barley exports. This ruling will severely harm the income of Australian barley farmers.

Why?

Experts believe China reacted to the Australian government’s call for an inquiry into China’s role in the spread of COVID-19. Not an inquiry into the pandemic, but an inquiry into China’s role in the pandemic. China is thus punishing Australian farmers because of the actions of the current Australian government, the Liberal National Party (LNP). The LNP is the conservative party and farmers have always voted for the National Party, and in turn for the LNP. Now, their own party has destroyed some of their businesses completely.

Similarly, many experts expect Trump’s own supporters to suffer financially because of his social and economic policies. Don’t forget, Trump is a businessman before he is a leader. Leave voters are yet to feel the true economic impact of Brexit.

They are gullible

Poor education convinced many people to believe in the curative powers of bleach. Poor education makes people more gullible, and more susceptible to politicians and corporations who lie and manipulate the truth. Ignorant and stupid people lack the critical literacy to discern the true meaning of a message, and are particularly susceptible to Trump’s incessant accusations of ‘fake news’ any time anyone criticises him.

While Trump runs his country via Twitter, Australia’s prime minister, Scott Morrison, runs his country via slogans. So common are his slogans, in place of real policy, that he earned himself the nickname ‘Scotty from Marketing’.

Ignorant people are persuaded by Trump’s tweets. Ignorant people are persuaded by Morrison’s slogans, and ignorant people voted for Brexit.

Someone’s gotta go

It’s not murder. It’s not killing someone, it’s letting that person kill themselves, which, after all, is the same as legalising suicide.

But you’re targeting a particular section of society.

This is happening anyway. COVID-19 has demonstrated the increased vulnerability of older people, people with disabilities, the poor and people from certain races – many of whom find themselves forced to work on the front line during the pandemic.

They own guns

Trump supporters are so stupid that they risked their own health to gather in groups to protest against lockdown measures that were designed to protect their health. Not only did they protest, draped in national flags, many of them did so with guns. Real guns. Big guns. Serious guns.

Were they going to kill someone who is trying to stop them from dying from a disease?

If these armed protesters had shot a government official, they would have increased the likelihood that they themselves would die.

They won’t be told.

Bigots and disciples of the theory that bleach can cure COVID-19 won’t be told. Even if a message or piece of advice is in their best interest, or in this case, could keep them alive, they still don’t listen. They subscribe to the cult of the individual and believe that their individual rights outweigh the needs of the society at large, even when their individualism threatens the safety or wellbeing of the community. When ‘bleach believers’ are advised against drinking bleach, they refuse to be told what to do. If they refuse to listen anyway, why should we tell them?

We are living in the era of stupidity and we must do something before it is too late.

Let them drink bleach.

Image: Washington Post