COOGEE GOES BIG!

The renovation of the COOGEE BAY HOTEL will see the entire suburb of COOGEE engorged and expanded in order to complement yet another Sydney developer’s great compensatory phallus.

As the COOGEE BAY HOTEL swells upwards and outwards, so will all of the buildings within a five-kilometre radius, creating a renovation boom that will attract more tradies than an anti-lockdown protest. The vainglory erection will usher in a host of other improvements sure to enhance the life of every resident and visitor in the coming years:

A giant shadow will stretch from the beach all the way to Wedding Cake Island as the sun heads west.

The red and yellow flags will be bigger than the national flag in Mexico City’s Zocalo, and will fly on poles which double as wind turbines.

The tranquil waters of COOGEE bay will become a terminal for cruise ships full of humongous Trump supporters carrying bleach and COVID-19. Subsequently, registered voters across the Eastern Suburbs will soon find themselves choosing between Clive Palmer, Craig Kelly or George Christensen.

The beach will become the exclusive backdrop of big, buffed, bronzed bodies. Don’t even think about stepping on to the sand unless you can bench 200kg, or boast 1 million Instagram followers.

Away from the golden sands, the colossal calamities continue.

Fish and Chip shops must replace hake and whiting with whale shark and beer-battered manta ray, with a side of wedges big enough to be towed behind a boat at Club Med. And if you swing by Maccas on the way to the beach, you’ll definitely be supersized.

COOGEE residents will be forced to phase out their small city cars for Monster Trucks, Chevrolet Suburbans and Dodge Rams, and can house them in the world’s biggest underground carpark.

Every resident will be obliged to own at least one St Bernard, English Mastiff and Great Dane, and to tell every passing jogger, “…They won’t hurt you, they’re just playing…”

Family homes will make way for apartment towers rivalling the residential structures of Hong Kong and Singapore, and the Burj Khalifa will lose its status as the world’s tallest building. The COOGEE Palace will be renamed Nurul Istana Iman II in honour of the Sultan of Brunei.

COOGEE Oval will be developed in the style of Rio’s Maracana, and will make the upgrade of the SFS look like a year 7 Design and Technology assignment. Galloping Greens fans will be cheering for a team whose scrumhalf dwarfs Will Skelton, and sporty juniors will represent the COOGEE Krakens Rugby League and Netball teams, or play football for COOGEE Inflated.

COOGEE will retain the title until a neighbouring developer feels compelled to overcompensate, and the only thing that won’t get any bigger is the surf.

First published in The Beast magazine, January 2022

Why not adopt a council?

Randwick City residents are being encouraged to adopt the entire council following the enormous success of the council’s Adopt a Drain initiative, which asked ratepayers to care for a public facility that would normally be the responsibility of the local government.

Ratepayers are thus being asked to adopt other public services.

Library – Street Libraries and Book Clubs will replace conventional libraries. Avid readers can take and leave books at their leisure. No library cards, no overdue fees. Book Clubs will provide a physical space to read and discuss literature without the distractions of screaming toddlers and free-range parents, remote workers using free WiFi, and teenagers ‘studying’ collaboratively.

Lawn mowing – Time for a good old-fashioned Working Bee. BYO mower, Whipper Snipper and edger to local parks and sports fields, as well as lunch, snacks and water. Make the playing surface playable, and put all those grass clippings into green bins. Nearby residents will supply a case of beer.

Redundant Rangers – Control your own dog. Keep it on a leash. Keep it out of prohibited spaces, and pick up after it.

Lifeguards – Randwick residents will be required to supervise their own children at swimming pools and beaches, freeing up lifeguards to work on their tan. Cleaning of public pools will also be handed over to locals. Anyone got a Creepy Crawly?

Street lighting – Locals will line the streets with candles and solar camping lights every night. Rosters will be circulated soon. Authorities will clamp down on groups of men carrying burning torches.

Rubbish collection – No more rubbish trucks. No more 5am wake-ups. Green thumbs will adopt green bins, conservationists will adopt yellow bins and the apathetic Aussie mainstream will adopt red bins. Locals can also take their own rubbish home from public spaces, and stop dropping cigarette butts.

DA- Home owners can approve their own Development Applications, just as property developers have been doing for years.

Tree planting – Locals will give up their free time to plant native trees in conjunction with council staff, only to see them all bulldozed by Gladys and the gang once they grow tall enough to house a koala.

Flag raising – One lucky citizen will be assigned to raise the national and state flags each morning. The Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander flags will fly on designated days so that locals, like politicians, can pretend to care about Indigenous Australians.

Adopt a Council will begin immediately, and will allow council to concentrate on more urgent busines such as erecting colourful banners in public spaces and congratulating themselves in SCENE.

Locals have already started rolling up their sleeves to protect this patch of paradise, and have begun to ask:

Do we need politicians?

First published in The Beast magazine, June 2021.