Australia’s brilliant plan to dominate world Rugby.

Australia will win every Rugby Union World Cup and international game for eternity thanks to a masterful plan guaranteed to fill its teams with the world’s best talent.

Rugby Australia and the Australian government will force Pasifika people to desert their homelands and live in Australia, where they will have no choice but to play for the Wallabies and local Super Rugby teams if they wish to continue enjoying the game they play in heaven.

“We’ll drown their homes,” declared a spokesperson for the government and rugby authorities.

“We’ll continue to drive climate change which is raising sea levels and inundating low-lying Pacific Islands from which most of the world’s best Rugby Union players originate.”

The spokesperson then went on to congratulate Rugby Australia and the current LNP government for forcing so many players from countries such as Fiji, Samoa and Tonga to play for Australia and for Australian Super Rugby franchises.

Many Pasifika players grew up in Australia after their families were forced to seek greater opportunities in the land Down Under, either due to climate change or due to international trade and foreign policies. As residents of Australia, they cannot make these countries into rugby superpowers. The recent success of Tonga in Rugby League suggests these countries could dominate rugby union.

“Without our Pasifika players we would never win a game, at international level or representative level. That’s the reality of international rugby union,” continued the spokesperson.

“The beauty of this plan is that it’s so easy. We just have to continue doing what we’re doing. Keep burning and exporting coal, keep suppressing renewable energy and electric cars, and continue to be the country with the world’s largest per capita carbon footprint. We can simply continue massive land clearing and approving new coal seam gas and coal mines, because this all ensures that ice caps melt and flood low lying islands.”

“When ScoMo talked about a gas-led recovery, he wasn’t talking about the recovery of our economy, he was talking about the recovery of Australian rugby union.”

The plan will guarantee a steady supply of big, strong, fast, agile and skilful players into the Wallabies and Super Rugby teams, and will replace the students of private schools who traditionally played representative rugby in Australia. The same private school boys who become resource company employees and executives, kings of cattle, conservative politicians and directors of financial institutions which invest in fossil fuel companies.

Those behind the plan also hosed down suggestions that players with Pasifika heritage could still be eligible for Fiji, Samoa or Tonga courtesy of their ancestry,

“You can’t play for a country that’s underwater.”

Drowning Pacific Islands could also force many people to emigrate to New Zealand instead, but those behind the plan expressed little concern at this outcome, stating:

“The All Blacks don’t need any help.”

Image: Stephen Tremain

LNP destroys highly-paid occupation.

The Liberal National Party (LNP) is being blamed for killing off one of Australia’s most lucrative careers after it forced fossil fuel lobbyists out of work.

“The LNP is the fossil fuel lobby,” stated a representative of the resources industry.

“We don’t need lobbyists advocating on our behalf in Canberra anymore.”

Fossil fuel lobbyists were until recently a common feature of Parliament House, and sought meetings with politicians on all sides to persuade them to create policies favourable to activities such as coal mining, natural gas and coal seam gas extraction. The lobbyists were highly-skilled operators who earned substantial salaries courtesy of the enormous profits of resource companies. They also represented some of the most influential people in Australia such as Gina Rinehart and Andrew ‘Twiggy’ Forrest.

That has all changed.

“All of our lobbyists were given substantial redundancy payments in recognition of their valuable contribution to our cause, and invited to seek alternative employment, because the LNP is now firmly under the control of the fossil fuel industry,” continued the spokesperson.

“Politicians from Morrison down now take orders directly from Gina and Twiggy.”

Experts suggest the LNP became a branch of the fossil fuel industry when Tony Abbott became Prime Minister. It wavered slightly under Malcolm Turnbull, and has strengthened under Scott Morrison. Many claim the close relationship started during the era of John Howard, like so many of Australia’s current ills.

“Tony is a great advocate for coal,” the spokesperson explained. “He is so committed to coal that he rode his bike all over the country to promote coal mining, and Matt Canavan is another disciple. Others like Keith Pitt and Angus Taylor are also devoted to fossil fuels, so any LNP member who is not will never be heard.”

“That said, it’s not just the LNP who have made lobbyists redundant. Joel Fitzgibbon is under the thumb of coal, and Labor as a whole will not commit to ruling out coal as an energy source. If Labor do manage to win the next federal election, our lobbyists may be called upon gain, but as of now, the job of the fossil fuel lobbyist is done.”

As for the plight of the lobbyists themselves:

“One of our former lobbyists has seen the writing on the wall, and last I heard he was working for a solar energy company.”

Image: Mark Nolan

Darren Lockyer: Destroying The Country He Once Captained.

Darren Lockyer captained the Australian national rugby league team but since retiring from the sport has devoted himself to destroying the country he loves.

The Kangaroos and Queensland captain now uses his exalted status to promote the interests of the Coal Seam Gas / Fossil Fuel industry, which is attempting to expand its operations in a country whose populace is ready to embrace renewable energy.

Lockyer was enlisted as ‘safety ambassador’ for the Origin Energy Australia Pacific LNG (APLNG) project in Gladstone, QLD, in 2013.

It’s interesting that a major corporation would appoint a safety ambassador who confessed to a gambling addiction, joked publicly about a football gang rape scandal and started a drunken pub brawl.

The APLNG project was accused of causing bubbling along the Condamine River near Chinchilla, which prompted an investigation by the state government and Origin Energy. Critics also raised concerns that CSG caused health problems for locals in rural-residential estates such as Wieambilla near Tara, incidents which were also investigated by the state government.

Lockyer himself confessed to being against coal seam gas operations, before he became a spokesperson for the industry. Before Origin started paying him.

What’s wrong with coal seam gas?

The environmental and social risks of coal seam gas include:

  • Encroachment on productive farming land
  • Disruption of other land uses and industries
  • Clearing of bushland
  • Air pollution
  • Contamination or depletion of ground or surface water
  • Pollution of waterways
  • Negative health impacts on workers and nearby residents
  • Damage to biodiversity.

Coal seam gas poses a huge risk to the quality and security of water, but Lockyer promotes the practice on the driest continent on earth, which is still suffering through drought.

But lots of athletes promote companies

Yes, many sportspeople are ambassadors for corporations. They’re paid to convince the public to buy one brand of sports shoes, watches or energy drinks instead of another brand. Lockyer, however, is not being paid to convince Australians to pay one company to power their homes over another. He is being paid to promote the industry itself.

Why?

Because the industry knows it has a lot to hide. The industry knows it destroys the environment.

Do I have something against Darren Lockyer?

I admit, I’m from NSW, so I dislike Queensland league players, but I’m also Australian and Lockyer’s brilliance led my country’s national team to many victories. In fact, I saw him play his last NRL game in Sydney when the Broncos comfortably beat the Sharks.

Exporting destruction

The league legend’s path of destruction extends beyond Australia’s borders. He is currently listed as the Head of Business Affairs for Mayur Resources, an Australian-based resource company with operations in Papua New Guinea.

Lockyer’s masters recently dispatched him to PNG and his presence provoked the ire of the nation’s leaders, who claimed he was sent to ‘brainwash’ the local people into supporting a new coal mine and coal-powered power plant.

Foreign mining companies, including Australian companies such as BHP and Rio Tinto, have a tainted history in PNG. It’s Australia’s way of thanking the local people for saving us from invasion during WWII.

PNG idolises Rugby League players. They worship league stars perhaps even more than Australians do. Rugby League is their national sport and league greats are awarded almost god-like status in the developing nation.

Why does Lockyer support the fossil fuel industry?

Did he inhale coal seam gas?

Maybe that explains his permanently croaky voice. Maybe that’s why his throat is fracked.

Does he have some form of personal connection to mining?

He grew up in Roma, which is the birthplace of the state’s oil and gas industry, so he has can at least claim some personal affiliation with the industry. Then again, fellow Origin players Willie Carne and Brent Tate also grew up in Roma, as did the great Arthur Beetson.

Does he genuinely believe in the benefits of coal seam gas?

Rugby League players are not famed for their intellect, but for their toughness, skill and athletic prowess. Maybe Lockyer genuinely believes the claims of the fossil fuel industry, the claims that he himself is paid to repeat to uneducated, impressionable Australians.

Is he doing it out of patriotism?

Average people cannot truly understand the depth of patriotism instilled in athletes who have represented their country, let alone those who have captained their country. Lockyer’s pride in his country is undeniable.

The mining industry has paid advertising agencies millions of dollars to cleverly position it as central to Australia’s national identity. Apart from promoting its contribution to ‘jobs and growth’, the industry has convinced many people that miners are true Australians. Miners are as vital to our nation as diggers, farmers, lifesavers…and athletes. Mining is positioned as ‘true blue’ because real Aussies work with their hands, in the sun, working up a sweat and battling the elements. Although Lockyer wears a suit and tie in his role with the industry.

How much money does Lockyer need?

He must have earned a substantial wage during a long and successful career which included captaining Australia and Queensland, winning four premierships and multiple Origin series, and attracting lucrative sponsorship deals.

He would be paid a handsome sum to sit on the side lines and make the odd comment as part of Channel Nine’s commentary team, and he is a director of the Brisbane Broncos club.

Maybe he’s still paying off the gambling debts he accrued the mid 1990s.

Out of curiosity, does Lockyer have solar panels on the roof of his house?

Would a true patriot and former leader of a national sporting team support an industry which is scientifically proven to be destroying the country’s natural environment?

Image: Chris Brunskill / Getty Images