Radical new plan for Australian churches.

Churches throughout Australia will be converted into social housing in order to make use of empty space, following an announcement from Minister for Families and Social Services, Anne Ruston.

“Catholic and Protestant churches throughout Australia will be renovated and repurposed into social housing, because most churches currently sit vacant for the majority of the year,” Ruston explained.

“This masterful plan is a pragmatic use of an under-utilised asset and an opportunity to finally provide an adequate level of safe accommodation to thousands of vulnerable people in Australia.”

The plan was devised in response to the COVID-19 pandemic, which has left more people jobless or struggling to pay rent and provide for their families, which in turn placed even greater strain on an overstretched public housing system.

“Church buildings will be ‘decommissioned’ and renovated into apartment-style accommodation, and will provide basic and comfortable housing for individuals and small groups. The building contracts will soon be put out to tender, though we hear Scott Cam is very interested in receiving more taxpayer’s money,” Ms Ruston outlined.

The rationale for the world-first program was simple.

“Most churches are not used, except at Christmas and Easter. They are empty buildings. Very few people attend church services, and most of the regular parishioners are elderly, meaning there will be even fewer attendees in 10 years time. Space for new public housing is harder to find nowadays, so churches were an obvious choice.”

Churches were also chosen because they are situated in suburban locations near shops, transport, medical and recreational facilities. Many are also next to primary schools. Most Australian suburbs contain at least one church, including new suburbs.

“We are still deciding whether children will be eligible for this type of social housing, as most churches sit next to the house of the priest or minister. One solution to this problem is to house the priests or ministers elsewhere – maybe in the Tent of the Congregation.”

Church groups, meanwhile, are outraged at the plan.

“It is sacrilegious to destroy a place of holy worship and convert it into an apartment. It is an outrage. Churches are holy, sanctified buildings which connect worshippers with The Almighty. They are the centre of every parish. They must not be made into generic, cheap housing for any random person. Some of the residents may be non-Christians, some may have criminal records, be divorced, single parents or even be pedophiles,” claimed a spokesperson for an alliance of church leaders.

Supporters of the plan wonder whether church leaders are desperate to protect the holy buildings, or the expensive stained glass windows and other ornaments within them. Ms Ruston, meanwhile, was adamant that the churches will be protected in the renovation process.

“Delicate items such as the tabernacle and the stained glass windows will be removed and offered to the church to be used elsewhere. The renovations will be simple but tasteful, and if Scott Cam wins the tender, he will build the greatest bathrooms you have ever seen!”

Ms Ruston also reminded church leaders that their mandate is to serve the poor and the less fortunate, and to accept everyone. In addition, churches and religious buildings have been used throughout history to protect local people from invading armies or neighbouring tribes, natural disasters, bandits and even ruthless drug traffickers.

“Furthermore, all religious organisations receive financial assistance from the government as well as tax concessions, so it could be said that the churches were built and maintained with public money.”

Churches such as St Mary’s Cathedral in Sydney will be retained as places of worship because they attract large numbers for regular church services, and because,

“…we need the tourism revenue, especially after border closures,” said Ms Ruston.

Renovation on selected churches will begin immediately after the 2021 Christmas rush.

Australian priests to teach Driver Education.

Priests and religious ministers will teach Australian children how to drive under the federal government’s proposed extension to the school chaplaincy program. Men of the cloth will take over driver education and a host of other programs directed at young people under a proposal to broaden the $61.4 million-a-year program in which chaplains replace qualified counsellors in Australian schools.

Conservative politicians have demanded religious ministers and priests teach Australian children how to drive, as well as instructing them on topics such as drugs and alcohol, personal relationships, literacy and numeracy, cyber safety, gender and sexuality…and even how to shave.

“Cynics will claim this is a weak excuse to funnel more taxpayers’ money to Christian churches,” explained Prime Minister Scott Morrison, himself a devout Pentecostal Christian.

“But that form of inner-city, left-wing, latte-sipping thinking is far from the truth. Priests and religious ministers are the best people to teach Australian children how to drive – even better than existing driving schools.”

All Australian children would be forced to attend a minimum number of hours under the tutelage of religious instructors in order to qualify for the driver’s test through which they secure their L Plates, then their P’s and full licence. They will also be required to attend church every Sunday, and to go to confession every time they fail to check their blindspot during lessons. Religious instructors will also prepare teenagers for the written component of the test.

“The curriculum will change,” revealed Morrison, “…and this is an exciting change. Students will learn skills such as:

Hillsong starts

Reverse praying

3 point turns honouring the Father, Son and Holy Spirit.

How to drive during rain, floods, fire and brimstone, plagues, pestilence and the second coming.

The driver education program is one branch of the proposed scheme to help young students through the pandemic as they suffer mental health problems due to prolonged lockdown and online learning. Conservative politicians and commentators argue that the scheme, introduced by former prime minister Joh Howard, is so successful that it should be extended to other areas of life which impact upon primary and secondary students, especially those in government schools.

“God spoke to me,” claimed Morrison. ” “I am merely a vessel through which God runs this country, and he said we must replace qualified, educated, experienced professionals with priests and religious ministers in the following areas:

Personal and romantic relationships. Even though priests can’t date or marry.

Gender and Sexuality. Even though the Bible outlaws non-heteronormative identification.

Drugs and alcohol. Learn how to turn water into wine.

Literacy and Numeracy. Students can learn the three ‘Rs’ just from reading the Bible.

Creative Writing. Read the Bible.

Geography. How to part an ocean.

Science. Trace the human genome to a man, a woman and a serpent.

Cyber Safety. They’ll watch the show ‘God Friended Me’.

Critics, meanwhile, suggested the $61.4 million-a-year budget would be better spent coordinating a national vaccine rollout, which is the federal government’s responsibility, so that children can return to school and be released from lockdown.

Image: Orkun Azap

Satan bills the Vatican for construction of new facilities.

Satan has sent an enormous bill to the Vatican to cover the cost of constructing a new facility in the underworld to accommodate priests and brothers guilty of molesting children. The devil was forced to expand the overflowing facility set aside for paedophiles after countless ordained minsters were sent to hell upon their deaths.

“Too many priests and brothers are arriving in hell,” declared Satan. “We weren’t able to accommodate them all in our existing facilities after God refused to let them into heaven, and the new facility cost a fortune to build. It is only fair that the Vatican meet the cost of the renovations, because the priests belonged to the church.”

“Plus, we know the Vatican can afford it”

The construction of new facilities in hell is normally provided free of charge by property developers, who represent a large percentage of residents. If construction does incur a cost, that is normally met with the proceeds of crime, which always find their way to hell. In the case of paedophile priests and brothers, however, none of the residents of hell were willing to build their accommodation for free, such is the contempt in which they are held.

“Don’t forget, continued Satan, “that hell also takes the people who protected the paedophiles by covering up the crimes or moving priests to a different parish, so this adds substantially to the number of people we are forced to accommodate.”

Satan also explained that members of the church are accustomed to a certain standard of accommodation, especially the more senior members, and this added significantly to the size and cost of the new buildings.

The Vatican has refused to comment on the invoice, but anonymous sources inside the holy city revealed that the bill poses a significant problem for an organisation already embroiled in a financial controversy involving the misuse of millions of dollars. The sources also conceded that paying Satan would leave little money left to pay expensive lawyers to defend child molesters.

Australians flock to churches after closure of Uluru.

Uluru_hero-768x369

Australian and international tourists are planning to hike through places of worship across the country following the announcement that Uluru will be closed for climbing in October this year.

The Desecration Tour, as it has been labelled, will begin at St Mary’s Cathedral in Sydney before continuing to other churches as well as temples, mosques and synagogues throughout the nation. Streets surrounding religious buildings will soon be inundated with vehicles parking illegally, while residents have been warned that their gardens are likely to be used as toilets and rubbish dumps.

Participants in the Desecration Tour are determined to hike in as many sacred sites as possible after learning that they will be prevented from climbing Uluru due to the wishes of the Anangu people, the traditional custodian of the land on which Uluru lies.

The famous rock in the centre of Australia has always been scared to the Anangu people, who ask visitors to respect their culture and beliefs. Despite their wishes, and the multiple, multilingual signs at the base of the rock, hundreds of tourists climb the rock every year.

Tourists are set to don hiking shoes, backpacks and zinc cream as they descend upon places of worship, where they will take selfies, enjoy a picnic, leave behind rubbish and place themselves and others in danger.

Visitors will be encouraged to visit as many sacred places as possible, and record their achievements through the Sacred Summits App and facebook page, where they can upload photos as proof of their conquest. Visitors will earn extra points for conquering a sacred place during a religious ceremony, such as the Christian mass.

The facebook page has already attracted thousands of ‘likes’, ‘shares’, ‘comments’ and ‘posts’ and has united tourists, who are calling on religious organisations to install toilets, rubbish bins and other amenities on the altar or consecrated section of each religious building, in order to cater for the visitors. Countless members have also demanded doggie bowls so that their dogs can have a drink.

Religious groups have issued mixed responses to the news. Many were horrified that grown adults would knowingly desecrate a sacred site in direct opposition to the stated wishes of the custodians of the land, while others promised to welcome all visitors.

“We’re just glad to have someone turn up to Mass,” conceded a spokesperson for Christian church groups in Australia.

“The only person who has been on the altar of our churches for many years is the priest, or minister, because most of our parishioners are too old to reach the altar, and we can no longer invite children to the altar in light of recent events.”

Tourists, meanwhile, have taken to social media to express their delight at finding a new opportunity to demonstrate their respect for sacred beliefs.

“Religious sites belong to all Australians, and all Australians should be able to climb them.”

“If I don’t climb this mosque, someone else will.”

“This rocks – let’s bag this b/.ch”

“Wow, great idea, plus it’s free, heaps cheaper than Bridge Climb.”

“Great way to teach my kids true Aussie culture and Aussie values.”

“Wonderful initiative, hiking through sacred sites will help me to gain a greater understanding of various religions.”

“Following the footsteps of Moses, who climbed…something.”

The Desecration Tour is set to continue for an unspecified period of time, and will even involve scaling the stage of the Horizon Church in Sutherland, in Sydney’s south, where Prime Minister Scott Morrison prays for all Australians. Tourists have already created a spin-off called Climb the Hillsong, to take place at every Hillsong megachurch throughout Australia.

Image:www.australiantraveller.com