christmas

Thousands of NSW residents to receive surprise Christmas gifts.

~ Kieran Blake ~ Leave a comment

Unvaccinated residents of New South Wales will give Christmas presents to vaccinated locals this year to thank them for granting the anti-vaxxers new freedoms.

Citizens who chose not to get vaccinated against COVID-19 are giving gifts to thank the vaccinated who created the freedoms which unvaccinated people are now enjoying. As of December 15, unvaccinated residents in NSW are allowed to access previously restricted premises such as pubs, cafes and restaurants, as well as entertainment venues, places of worship and other shared indoor spaces, because 90% of eligible residents are fully vaccinated.

“Thanks to the 90% of residents who got the jab, we can now enjoy the same freedoms as them, even though we didn’t get the jab,” explained a spokesperson for the Society for Unvaccinated Patriotic Aussies (SUPA)

“And we’re so grateful to those people that we decided to give them all Christmas presents this year. Without the vaccinated, we would still be locked out of venues – then we’d really have something to claim about.”

A substantial number of residents in NSW chose not to get vaccinated against the deadly virus, for a host of reasons. Their reluctance slowed down the reopening of society and placed fellow residents at great risk, as unvaccinated people are more likely to spread the disease. Many people lost their jobs and were forced onto welfare, and suffered mental health issues due to extended lockdowns. People with vulnerable immune systems, such as babies and the elderly, as well as essential workers, were at heightened risk of illness as a result of unvaccinated people.

Gifts for the vaccinated will range from the usual socks, T-shirts and gift cards, to more tailored gifts such as membership of One Nation and the United Australia Party, Pete Evans cookbooks, and anything sporting a Byron Bay logo – all purchased by Clive Palmer.

Despite the risk they present to society in general, unvaccinated people were recently granted almost all of the freedoms available to vaccinated people in NSW, even as the new Omicron variant emerges and as case numbers surge across the state. Furthermore, case numbers are likely to increase yet again as Australians cut loose and celebrate the Christmas and summer break.

Sydneysider Jeremy was not so excited at the prospect of a gift from SUPA. He lost his grandfather, and has been prohibited from visiting his grandmother for months on end, due to COVID-19.

“I’d rather have healthy grandparents than a pair of socks this Christmas.”

Image: Jess Bailey

Scott Morrison gives one family a $30m Christmas present.

~ Kieran Blake ~ Leave a comment

The Prime Minister of Australia, Scott Morrison, has surprised a family of four with a Christmas present of $30m. Morrison offered the gift to the Murugappan family as well as granting them asylum in Australia after holding them in immigration detention for more than 1000 days. The Christmas blessing will see Priya, Nades, Kopika and Tharunicaa return to Biloela immediately with Australian residency.

Morrison claims he made the decision to exercise his executive powers after communicating with God during a religious experience at the Horizon Church in the Sutherland Shire.

“It was during the second rousing rock song that God spoke to me,” explained Morrison, before recounting the divine conversation.

“G’day Scotty”

“G’day mate”

“Hey, what about freeing that family on Christmas Island?”

“Oooh, I don’t know about that mate, it’s a big call. A lot of Aussie racists won’t be happy, and don’t forget who voted me in at the last election.”

“Yeah, but it’s Christmas, and remember all of those teachings that my son imparted to Christians like you, about morality, compassion, forgiveness and helping the less fortunate…”

“Yeah, what about them?”

“Well, what about you put them into practice?”

“Huh?”

“Apply the teachings in a practical way and free the family, let them go back to Biloela.”

“Ummm, sorry mate, I’m still trying to get my head around what you just said – applying the teachings of the church in a practical way…that’s news to me”

“Yes, but that was the original intention of the teachings”

“Hang on, I love this part of the song…(Morrison sings a few lines). How good…yeah, go on”

“Well, I recommend you free the family and let them go back to Bilo”

“Back to Bilo – I don’t like the policy, but I do love the slogan – great ring to it. Back to Bilo, Back to Bilo…”

“And all that money, you could give to the family, to help them set up a new life.”

“The $30m, but that’s a lot of money, plus I was gonna give that to Foxtel.”

“Well, Rupert will have to wait – let me have a word to him. Anyway, I strongly recommend you apply the underlying principles of your Christian faith and free the family in detention, and do it in time for Christmas”

“Yeah, righto mate – but only for you”

“You’re a great bloke Scotty”

“I know”

Morrison then explained that after deliberation with colleagues such as Peter Dutton, and after discussing it with Jen and the girls, he made the decision to free the family and reward them with a substantial yuletide gift.

“It’s great PR too, isn’t it,” said the man dubbed Scotty from Marketing, “you know, Christmas Island and a Christmas present, I thought of that myself, how good is that!”

Image: Chad Madden

Only Christians can take a holiday on December 25.

~ Kieran Blake ~ Leave a comment

Australians have reacted with horror to a new law banning non-Christians from enjoying a holiday on Christmas Day. The shock new law was announced on the eve of the summer break and requires non-Christians to attend work on December 25.

Prime Minister Scott Morrison, himself a devout Christian, rushed through the new law on the final day of parliament this year and chose to announce the decision just days before Christmas holidays.

“Christmas is for Christ,” stated Morrison from outside the Horizon Church in Sutherland, south of Sydney. “So only Australians who identify as Christian, and can prove their devotion, can take a day off work on December 25. Everyone else must work, and don’t dare ask for overtime or penalty rates.”

According to the prime minister, Australians wishing to take a day off on December 25 will have to supply their employer, and/or the government, with a letter from their church priest or minister, signed by a Justice of the Peace. To reinforce his message, the prime minster resorted to a slogan, reminding everyone:

‘Jesus is the reason for the season’

The law prohibits time off for Muslims, Jews, Buddhists atheists, agnostics and anyone else who cannot prove that they belong to a Christian denomination which officially recognises Christmas. Critics slammed the decision as a failure to acknowledge the religious, cultural and racial diversity of the nation, and as a rude shock to citizens who have endured bush fires, floods, drought, COVID-19, and more floods, in 2020.

Morrison responded to the criticism with a smirk.

The new law also prompted changes to other annual celebrations in Australia. The Christmas law will apply to Easter, and public holidays in 2021 will be affected in the following ways:

Australia Day – Only people officially recognised as Indigenous can party on January 26.

Anzac Day – A holiday will be granted only to soldiers who served in a war, or registered members of the Australian defence force.

Labour Day – The day of the workers will grant time off to employees, socialists and active members of unions. Employers and business owners will be required to work. It is not clear what conditions apply to the unemployed or the self-employed.

Queen’s Birthday – A long weekend will be granted only to staunch royalists, including people who buy trashy magazines full of royal gossip. Republicans such as Peter FitzSimons and Malcolm Turnbull will not get the day off, nor will anyone who voted for an Australian republic way back in 1999.

Bank Holiday – This will still be a day off for most Australians, except for drug dealers, devotees of cryptocurrency and those stashing their cash in a shoebox under the bed, as well as tradies promising a discount for payment in cash.

One national public holiday to remain unchanged is Boxing Day, because no one can explain why it’s called Boxing Day. Australians can now look forward to resting a hangover and flicking between the cricket and the Sydney to Hobart yacht race

New Year’s Day has also been saved, so at least Australians can also look forward to escaping 2020.

Embrace Dog this festive season.

~ Kieran Blake ~ Leave a comment

OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERA

Australians are being urged to remember and honour Dog during the upcoming festive season and to seek further opportunities to allow Dog to become the focal point of their end of year celebrations.

Aussies are being reminded that the true message of Dog is found not only within the four walls of the institutions which brought them into contact with Dog, but that the love of Dog can be found in their homes and parks and beaches and cafes – everywhere.

Take comfort, they are advised, in the knowledge that Dog is one constant in an ever-changing world. Even during times when new ways of thinking and social upheaval threaten to destroy our belief in Dog, Dog will always be there.

Australians should also ensure they turn their attention to Dog even during the hectic, busy and stressful period that marks the lead up to Christmas. In an effort to help the good people of Australia to do so, below is a list of practical recommendations which are framed in joy and positive affirmations.

  • Dog is everywhere
  • Dog loves you
  • Let Dog into your life
  • Make the time in your crowded schedule to communicate with Dog
  • Enjoy the opportunity to show your love for Dog on a daily basis, not just during certain ceremonies in April and December
  • Proudly and triumphantly proclaim your devotion to Dog, to everyone, everywhere, even where Dog is not welcome. Ignore signs and signals which attempt to exclude the presence of Dog
  • Defend Dog in your words and deeds, against those who choose to slander Dog, because Dog is righteous
  • Include Dog in your holiday. Take Dog with you in the car, on the plane, in the hotel, at the campground…
  • Lavish gifts upon Dog this year, just as you lavish gifts upon family and friends
  • Love your Dog as the one true Dog, while acknowledging the right of other people to love other Dogs
  • Dog is the reason for the season
  • Practice humility when communicating with Dog and accept that Dog is wiser than you. Subjugate yourself to the will of Dog
  • Teach your children to love Dog, because the love of Dog must start in the home.
  • Include Dog in Carols by Candlelight, summer barbecues, Kris Kringle and Christmas parties – you can even find a way to involve Dog in one seminal act of Christmas, the traditional photo with Santa.

Finally, remember that Dog is for life, not just for Christmas.

Only houses with solar panels will be allowed to display Christmas lights.

~ Kieran Blake ~ 1 Comment

christmas-lights-houses

Extravagant lighting displays form a major part of household Christmas displays in majority Christian nations. However, these displays rely on electricity, and much of this electricity is still supplied by fossil fuels.

It’s time for a law to protect the joy of Christmas and reduce the damage that lighting displays do to the environment. Only houses with solar panels will be permitted to display lights at Christmas time.

Families can still hang Santa from their roof and cover their lawn in reindeers and fake candy, but the bright lights will have to stay in their boxes until that house is powered by solar.

Houses without photovoltaic cells, or solar panels, traditionally rely on coal to supply energy. Coal has been proven to contribute massively to the climate crisis and scientists agree that a transition away from coal energy must be made – and made soon.

The rule should not be difficult to administer. How do you know if a house is powered by solar? Just look on the roof.

Houses which break the rules can be fined, just as they would be fined for any other act of civil disobedience. The rule could serve as a reward for households which have installed the cleaner form of energy, and an incentive for fossil fuel users to do so.

Will this ever happen?

Probably not.

In countries such as Australia, governments are funded by the coal lobby and are resisting the adoption of renewable energy. They are also working very hard to protect and expand coal mining activities. Furthermore, the average citizen in developed nations will cry foul, dismiss their own impact on the environment and criticise a move like this as another example of political correctness, environmental hysteria and an attack on an innocent tradition that brings joy to their children.

Burning excessive fossil fuels, however, is not innocent – and it is their children who will suffer the consequences of a planet severely damaged by the continued use of fossil fuels.

The situation of the planet is desperate, and seemingly extreme measures need to be taken in order to halt the damage that is currently being done. This includes turning off a few Christmas lights.

Image:www.housebeautiful.com