Priests and religious ministers will teach Australian children how to drive under the federal government’s proposed extension to the school chaplaincy program. Men of the cloth will take over driver education and a host of other programs directed at young people under a proposal to broaden the $61.4 million-a-year program in which chaplains replace qualified counsellors in Australian schools.
Conservative politicians have demanded religious ministers and priests teach Australian children how to drive, as well as instructing them on topics such as drugs and alcohol, personal relationships, literacy and numeracy, cyber safety, gender and sexuality…and even how to shave.
“Cynics will claim this is a weak excuse to funnel more taxpayers’ money to Christian churches,” explained Prime Minister Scott Morrison, himself a devout Pentecostal Christian.
“But that form of inner-city, left-wing, latte-sipping thinking is far from the truth. Priests and religious ministers are the best people to teach Australian children how to drive – even better than existing driving schools.”
All Australian children would be forced to attend a minimum number of hours under the tutelage of religious instructors in order to qualify for the driver’s test through which they secure their L Plates, then their P’s and full licence. They will also be required to attend church every Sunday, and to go to confession every time they fail to check their blindspot during lessons. Religious instructors will also prepare teenagers for the written component of the test.
“The curriculum will change,” revealed Morrison, “…and this is an exciting change. Students will learn skills such as:
3 point turns honouring the Father, Son and Holy Spirit.
How to drive during rain, floods, fire and brimstone, plagues, pestilence and the second coming.
The driver education program is one branch of the proposed scheme to help young students through the pandemic as they suffer mental health problems due to prolonged lockdown and online learning. Conservative politicians and commentators argue that the scheme, introduced by former prime minister Joh Howard, is so successful that it should be extended to other areas of life which impact upon primary and secondary students, especially those in government schools.
“God spoke to me,” claimed Morrison. ” “I am merely a vessel through which God runs this country, and he said we must replace qualified, educated, experienced professionals with priests and religious ministers in the following areas:
Personal and romantic relationships. Even though priests can’t date or marry.
Gender and Sexuality. Even though the Bible outlaws non-heteronormative identification.
Drugs and alcohol. Learn how to turn water into wine.
Literacy and Numeracy. Students can learn the three ‘Rs’ just from reading the Bible.
Creative Writing. Read the Bible.
Geography. How to part an ocean.
Science. Trace the human genome to a man, a woman and a serpent.
Cyber Safety. They’ll watch the show ‘God Friended Me’.
Critics, meanwhile, suggested the $61.4 million-a-year budget would be better spent coordinating a national vaccine rollout, which is the federal government’s responsibility, so that children can return to school and be released from lockdown.
Image: Orkun Azap