The kind-hearted and generous folk of Sydney’s Eastern Suburbs are hereby advised that all charitable fundraising activities must cease forthwith. Consequently, residents are no longer permitted to organise, or donate to, charitable efforts such as the Wardy Claus Christmas present drive for sick kids. Also prohibited are the annual Mullet Pro at Tamarama Beach raising awareness of mental health issues, and Boards for Bushfires from the Bronte Boardriders. Sophie Smith can no longer Run for Premature Babies, and any other activities designed to harness goodwill for the betterment of the world are outlawed.
The aforementioned charitable undertakings may only resume when:
- Every royal family, everywhere in the world, abdicates the throne and redistributes their enormous ill-gotten wealth among the great unwashed.
- Every single cigarette smoker (or vaper) on the planet quits their disgusting, self-indulgent and destructive habit and donates their smoking (or vaping) money to charity.
- People stop paying $AU90 to have their fur baby receive a massage.
- Multinational corporations pay the tax they are required, at law, to pay.
- Corporations return the taxpayer-funded JobKeeper payments they received while recording massive profits during a pandemic. Go!
- The world’s major religions release the substantial wealth hoarded in sites such as the Vatican, and direct it to the less fortunate: blessed are the poor.
- Celebrities stop spending $1315 for a dog collar, $550 for a dog leash, and $84,000 on a car for their 9-year-old daughter.
- The Australian government reverses the decision to spend $500 million to glorify war.
- Church organisations in Australia stop defending paedophile priests and redirect the exorbitant legal fees to their parishioners throughout the world. Just drop it off at Vinnies.
- FIFA and the IOC pay every person who works at their major events, such as the 2023 Women’s World Cup, including the volunteers whose work is essential to the conduct of those events.
- Local politicians replace pink flowers with institutional change next International Women’s Day.
- Mattias Cormann pays for his own international flights.
- Fees for the country’s aged-care facilities do not pay for mansions with tennis courts and swimming pools.
- The most expensive and elaborate building in the village or town of so many developing nations is not the church, synagogue, mosque, temple or other religious house of worship.
- Australian taxpayers see a return on the $190,000 Scott Morrison spent on an empathy consultant.
- Parliamentary pensions are paid on merit.
- NSW Labor politicians stop shopping at Aldi.
In the interim, residents are advised that special dispensation will be given to GoFundMe pages raising money for highly-paid homophobes and reality TV failures seeking social media stardom.
First published in The Beast magazine, July 2021