Dob in a dog with the new Dog Dobber App.

Waverley, Randwick and Woolahra Councils have combined to develop the DogDobber App and rid the Eastern Suburbs of the scourge of irresponsible dog owners. The world-first initiative will allow residents to dob in a dog if its owner is breaking the rules, and to report their actions directly to council.

“Enough is enough,” read the joint statement from the three councils.

“Dogs and their owners have taken over every public space in the region and this App will return these spaces to the people.”

Compatible with any smart phone, the app enables users to upload photos of dogs. This information is electronically collated and reviewed for veracity, then used to issue a fine or relevant punishment to the registered owner of that animal. Users should attempt to photograph the collar of the dog, which should carry its details, in order for the dog’s owner to be notified.

Residents can photograph off-leash dogs in on-leash areas, dogs in areas that are off limits and owners who refuse to pick up after their dog.

“Residents can also provide photographic proof of dogs harassing kids while they’re kicking a footy at the park, playing on the swings, or building sand castles.”

Critics attacked the DogDobber App as an invasion of privacy which stigmatises dogs and their owners. Other claim it is completely unnecessary as council rangers are already employed to keep dogs where they should be, and that most dog owners are responsible.

In response, councils pointed out that if most dog owners were responsible, their pets would not be given free reign at Mackenzies Bay, the Clovelly rock pools and countless other public spaces. Councils also reminded owners that the best way to avoid being reported is to follow the rules.

Another area of the concern was the potential for children to be photographed. Council was quick to allay any fears that the technology could be used in this way.

“Any photograph of a minor, even if they are breaking the rules with a dog, will be reported immediately to police. If children are breaking the rules with their pet, this is less an example of irresponsible dog ownership and more an example of poor parenting.”

Councils called upon residents of the Eastern Suburbs to imagine public spaces free of marauding dogs and their droppings, where anyone can walk, play, enjoy a picnic, sunbake and enjoy living in paradise.

Randwick Council explained DogDobber operates separately from their Snap, Send, Solve App, and councils praised it as a triumph of inter-governmental collaboration and a successful fusion of state-of-the-art technology and community spirit. It will be live and fully operational at the beginning of next month.

First published in The Beast magazine, December 2021.

Unique strategy to convince thousands of Australians to get vaccinated.

The Australian government has disguised the COVID-19 vaccination booking service as a sports gambling App in an effort to trick reluctant citizens into registering for the jab.

The world-first initiative is being hailed as a creative strategy to fool hesitant citizens into registering for the COVID-19 vaccine, at a time when almost half the nation is in some form of lockdown or even under curfew.

The App is called OddBetter and was developed in order to tap into the enormous popularity of sports gambling in the country.

“Refusing to get vaccinated against COVID-19 is a huge gamble, and OddBetter is a brilliant, creative solution to a complicated problem,” announced the Minister for Health Greg Hunt.

“The world-first initiative will encourage reluctant Australians to get vaccinated, which will in turn allow the country to open up and to return to some form of normal. Sports betting is a popular activity in Australia and this App taps into Australia’s love of sport and our love of a punt.”

The App has the appearance and functionality of a conventional sports betting App. It offers betting choices on a wide range of results in a wide range of sports. It differs from legitimate gambling Apps in that every time a user places a bet, they have actually sent their personal details to the government health system and automatically registered their name for a vaccination for either Pfizer, Astra-Zeneca or Moderna.

“Users will not be charged any money at any stage of this process,” stressed Hunt. “They will be required to register a credit card in order to use the App, like any sports gambling service, but this will be used only to cross reference other personal details and to confirm the user’s identity. Once an identity is confirmed, health authorities will also know if the person has or hasn’t been vaccinated.”

The minister then explained that punters using Odd Better will ‘win’ or ‘lose’ money inside the App, but that this ‘OddBetter currency’ is not real and will not add or subtract from their bank balance in the real word.

“It’s like electronic Monopoly money.”

Of course, finding a way to make people register for a jab is only part of the process.

“Once registered, we still need people to actually turn up and get the vaccination. So, the App has been designed to shut out any user who does not honour their appointment. They will then be advised to show proof of vaccination in order to resume using the App. Also, punters who have already been vaccinated will not receive an appointment notification.”

The minister was asked what had been done to prevent users from simply turning to another gambling site once they are shut out of OddBetter for not being vaccinated.

“Two things. One, we will offer the impossibly good odds on every bet, as well as more options on more sports than any other gambling company – we can do so because our service is not real. Secondly, we know that Aussie punters have an insatiable appetite for gambling – which is why there are at least 70 online gambling sites in the country.”

Hunt was also asked whether announcing the App publicly and writing a press release would expose it’s inauthenticity and thus render it redundant, to which he replied:

“Most anti-vaxxers and vaccine-hesitant people don’t read – they just take all their health advice from social media influencers, or people like George Christensen, Clive Palmer or Craig Kelly.”

Image: Daniel Schludi

Jarryd Hayne’s secret letter to police.

EXCLUSIVE: Jarryd Hayne has revealed he sent a secret letter to Mick Fuller pleading with the NSW Police Commissioner to release his iConsent App just days before the rugby league star sexually assaulted a woman in 2018.

In an exclusive interview, Hayne claimed that he would never have been found guilty of the crime if Fuller had heeded his calls to release the App in the days leading up to the 2018 Grand Final.

“I’m probably gonna go to prison,” Hayne conceded outside court following the guilty verdict.

“But I shouldn’t have to. If Mick released that rape app before I went to that chick’s house, I wouldn’t ‘ve have been found guilty today,” argued the former NRL star.

“I wrote a letter to Mick a few weeks before the grand final, and asked him about the app. I’d seen him hangin’ around the NRL a bit – I think he was trying to get a job or something, I don’t know. But I heard he had this idea for an app and I knew it would be great for me and heaps of other footy players, so I wrote him the letter.”

Hayne then explained exactly how the app could have helped him avoid a likely prison sentence.

“See, I could’ve just got her to sign on the app, the iConsent App, that she consented to the sex or to whatever happened that night, and then I wouldn’t ‘ve been guilty. I could’ve just told her I was ordering a pizza, or placing a bet for her on the final score on the grand final – coz you can do everything on your phone and on an app these days – then everything would’ve been sweet.”

Asked if that meant he would not have committed the offence, Hayne answered,

“Nah, I still would’ve done it, but I would’ve got away with it – that’s how the app works isn’t it?”

The former NSW and Australian representative then conceded that an app could have saved him from going through the legal proceedings at all.

“I should’ve just ordered an Uber that night. I could’ve got one Uber to her house, then a different one when the job was done. But I used a cab and he had to wait – I reckon that’s what made people so suspicious, hey”

Asked if he believed the iConsent App would prevent him or any other man from committing sexual assault, Hayne replied,

“What do you reckon?”

Image: http://www.abc.net.au

The true origin of Mick Fuller’s iConsent App.

EXCLUSIVE: NSW Police Commissioner Mick Fuller has revealed that his controversial iConsent App was the cornerstone of his bid to land a role within the NRL and was designed to keep rugby league players out of prison. After failing to secure the NRL position, he proposed the App for the Australian public.

The proposed iConsent App was designed to record sexual consent and was expected to reduce the number of sexual assaults in the country. Reported sexual assault rose by 10 per cent in 2020, but only two percent of those cases led to guilty verdicts in court.

The commissioner was being considered for a role dedicated to improving the off-field behaviour of footballers, and he pitched the app to the NRL while three of its players were under investigation for sexual assault. NSW Premier Gladys Berejiklian blocked Fuller’s appointment, so the commissioner offered the App to the wider public.

“This App is perfect for the NRL, and ideal for the country in general,” Fuller announced.

“No woman in Australia will ever be raped again once this App is operational. If it can stop NRL players from raping women, it can stop anyone from raping women.”

Fuller then revealed secret features of the App which were to be included for NRL players, but will not be available to the general public.

“It would have been great, and it’s such a shame Gladys prevented me from working with the NRL,” he stated.

“Players could have customised the App according to the colours of their current team, and they could have downloaded the team’s mascot. There was a scoreboard for recording how many women they had ‘pulled’ on any given night, and a setting to rank the appearance of those women – just like the origins of Facebook. We were also designing a filter to make the women more attractive and allow players to boast to their teammates about their conquests.”

“What’s more, they could change the colour settings to blue or maroon during Origin season, and to their favoured national team during internationals. Of course, it also allowed women to consent to group sex, because no self-respecting rugby league player would ever have sex with a woman if he was not joined by one or more of his teammates.”

Fuller also explained that the App would have linked directly to sports betting Apps, and the various social media platforms which land professional footballers in trouble, and was equipped with video settings to allow players to make and distribute sex tapes. Designers of the App had been ordered to constantly upgrade its settings for footy players, to cater for anything from the mundane to the wildly kinky, including the ability to get consent from a dog.

Fuller himself told the media the iConsent App could be “the worst idea I have all year”, but it is still better than any suggestion from the prime minister. The Minister for Women has also been silent, as has the Attorney General, who can’t comment after taking sick leave since being accused of rape, infidelity, affairs with young staffers and general sleaziness.

Only time will tell if the App finds its way into the nation’s bedrooms. In the meantime, Fuller has devoted himself to his policing duties, and to completing his highly-anticipated eBook, Mick Fuller’s Complete Guide to Romance, Seduction and Foreplay.

Image: Ilan Dov