President Donald Trump has initiated the most dramatic change to national honours in history with his awards for Last Responders.
US citizens who avoid risk and prioritise self-preservation will now be honoured in lavish ceremonies, and the awards will replace those previously given to First Responders.
“Last Responders make America great,” boasted Trump during the launch in Mar-A-Lago.
“The US was the last ally to respond in World War I and this is a tradition we must maintain for the sake of our great nation. Last Responders face little or no risk, let others work and suffer, and only get involved when the hard work has been done. Doing this is also a great way to become President.”
Trump then explained that this is why none of his young offspring will be serving in the US war in the Middle East, during a long and incoherent rant.
It was pointed out to Trump that Last Responders have always existed in The United States and other countries, and that they are people who provide essential post-mortem services, support grieving families, and help in preserving the memories of the departed.
Trump blasted the journalist who made this clarification, and called those Last Responders suckers and losers.
First Responders, such as Ambulance Officers, Police, Firefighters and Soldiers, are typically honoured for their bravery, dedication, and altruism in service of their community, often as volunteers or for low wages.
Last Responders, meanwhile, will receive cold McDonald’s hamburgers, buckets of KFC, MAGA hats and copies of the movie Melania during award ceremonies at Mar-A-Lago or the newly-renovated Rose Garden at the White House.
“Last Responders deserve to be honoured because they know exactly when to arrive and take all the glory,” Trump continued.
“My own family has a proud history of being last responders. We have always avoided putting ourselves in the frontline of conflicts and have built inter-generational wealth on the back of that.”
“In fact, that’s why I made a special section of the awards. This is for Non Responders. People who never get involved, never fight in wars, never help in natural disasters, never serve the people. I gave the first award to myself, because I’m a Non Responder and the greatest leader in history. Period. Some of my closest friends and family will get this award. They get a special prize- maybe some young girls.”
Formalising tributes to Last Responders will also ensure that poor and marginalised families continue to send their children to war so that wealthy families don’t have to.
Trump has exploited Christianity since announcing his plan to run for President and quoted the Bible yet again to justify the massive shake up to national honours.
“The last shall be first and the first last”
kieranblakewriter 