Almost a century of Aussie culture will soon be lost when beaches from Bondi to Broome replace the iconic red and yellow flags with green flags to indicate the safest place to swim.
And it’s all to suit foreigners.
The famous flags have been around longer than Australia Day, so the move has proven divisive.
“Why do we have to change our ways to suit foreigners?” asked one frustrated patriot during the public consultation phase.
“They’ve been red and yellow since 1935 and foreigners should fit into our ways,” stated another, while one citizen deemed the move unnecessary:
“Fair dinkum, if you see hundreds of people at a beach and most of them are swimming in between the flags, isn’t it obvious?”
Numerous respondents reminded authorities that beachside backpackers get so drunk they ignore flags of any colour, while another asserted:
“When someone in an official uniform is pointing and yelling at you with a loud hailer, you don’t need to speak Strayan to figure it out!”
Lifesavers’ iconic uniforms will also be green- even the quartered cap- upon the implementation of the plan brought in to suit visitors who associate red and yellow with danger, and obviously thought Lifesavers were simply doing Ronald McDonald cosplay. The only beach to escape the change is Maroubra, where a famous natural deterrent has always kept swimmers between the flags.
In addition, announcements will be made in a rapid, croaky, American accent, and Lifesavers who say ‘G’day mate’ will be kicked off patrol.
“Red and yellow flags are as synonymous with Aussie summers as zinc cream and bindies,” commented a representative of Surf Life Saving Australia, an organisation so conservative it still holds Taplin relays and surf boat races in the age of drones and IRBs.
“Swimmers will now think flag zones are only for woke environmentalists or people who would make a suitable life partner. What’s more, the move will nullify the debate between Bondi and Bronte as every Aussie clubbie will be a member of Palm Beach SLS Club (NSW and QLD).
Aussies who have grown up with red and yellow flags fear a broader threat to national traditions in a country reliant upon the tourists who buy the iconic uniforms at souvenir shops.
Rumours abound that the beach flag initiative will usher in a raft of changes to core Aussie traditions. AFL goal posts will be replaced with two short uprights, a crossbar and a net. Vegemite will be known as Resimite to placate foreigners who are convinced it tastes like accumulated residue and not vegetables, and a Tim Tam will be a Singaporean boy caught in the rip at Bondi.
First published in The Beast magazine, April, 2026
Image: Nick Sarvari
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