Lahra Downs will supplant the genteel suburb of Woollahra when the new train station is completed in 2029.
Density to rival Macau will define the brash and bustling ‘burb which was borne of Premier Chris Minns’ decision to add another stop to the Eastern Suburbs rail line and pair it with high-rise apartments and affordable housing.
Long-standing locals rightly fear the death of their privacy and winter sun, as well as the influx of Little Bay residents who will make way for the gentrification of their suburb and the renovation of Long Bay jail. The controversial decision leaves wary Woollahrans with three short years to ready themselves for new neighbours with backstories tragic enough for Australian Idol.
Displaced Littlies will merge with thousands of Downers from across Australia in the unrecognisable new metropolis.
Woollahra Golf Club’s verdant fairways and carpeted greens will be bulldozed for the Minns Mega Pantheon of Pleasure, featuring Minns’ Mini Putt Putt, Minns’ Miserly Screen Golf, Minns’ Manic Go-Kart track and the Museums of BBL and Aussie V8s. Lahra Downs will steal the Formula 1 Grand Prix from Melbourne, and a drag-racing strip will connect the station to the Minns Magical Waterpark to be constructed in Rose Bay for the enjoyment of the masses in summer.
Hello Jamberoo – Goodbye Sea Planes.
Harbourside private schools will be duly compensated for the destruction of their water views and students will be offered counselling. Meanwhile, Rose Bay Secondary College will grow in prestige when Lahra Downs receives a sports high-school full of future NRL stars sporting mullets without the irony.
The suburb on steroids will see the Roosters quadruple their junior clubs, but will simultaneously create the emergence of a new rugby league rival called the Greater Bondi Junction Whales, which will lure the talent away from R360 with revenue from the grand and glitzy casinos lining Queen Street.
Extreme overcrowding, not influencers, will soon cause mile-long queues outside local eateries, and practised palates will be forcibly transitioned from plat du jour to food courts and Jollibee.
Not all is lost, however, for the concerned conservatives. Those with a fame for fashion can reinvent their aesthetic with items off the rack from factory outlets, and no one will have to travel all the way to Minchinbury to peruse lot after lot of reliable and affordable automotive bargains.
As new residents set up camp in Lahra Downs, irate incumbents must start the search for a new home in an eastern suburb comprising suitably well-heeled neighbours, sense and sensibility, the waft of salty air from a tranquil beach on the afternoon breeze, and at least one on-par golf course.
Little Bay?
Image: http://www.woollahrahotel.com.au
First Published in The Beast magazine, February, 2026.
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