Long Bay Correctional Centre will undergo a stunning renovation during the impending revitalisation of Little Bay.
The infamous institution will be gentrified alongside the remainder of the neglected suburb and will complement the transformation of the entire Eastern Suburbs.
Spearheading the salvation of Little Bay is a massive apartment complex to be built once the altruistic developer persuades authorities to share his vision.
“Renovating Long Bay Correctional Centre is vital for protecting the sensibilities of the residents whose apartments will overlook the facility,” began a statement from the developer and the government.
“The correctional centre, and it pains us to say this, is also one of the few remaining properties in the region that can still be renovated.”
Ensuring Eastern Suburbs locals still have an outlet for their spare time and loose change will involve demolishing every housing commission dwelling and dumping the tenants out west, saving the apartment residents from having to look down their noses at the current squalor.
Then the fun can begin.
Members of the public can purchase cells then rent them out to inmates, who can pay with their ill-gotten wealth or provide the labour to complete the renovation – thus repaying their debt to society.
Heritage-listed Long Bay will soon be unrecognisable to its former and current guests.
Walls will be knocked down and spaces opened up, just as they are during inmates’ daily therapy sessions. Builders will also go up to capture the views of the neglected beach, and penthouse suites will be available to wealthier inmates, whose families now have no excuse not to make the short commute to pay a visit.
Savvy investors are being lured with further incentives.
“An exciting opportunity exists for owners to access the short-term rental market, as expected rental restrictions will not apply within the correctional facility. Furthermore, short-term rentals suit the transient nature of prison occupation,” explained the developer.
But who would buy a property in a prison?
Guests who are already used to being severely punished for not cleaning up after themselves, and anyone who believes the adage that prisons these days are nothing but luxury hotels. Local realtors also report enormous interest from wealthy Singaporeans, who fantasise about living in a suburb with four golf courses, and are accustomed to strict adherence to rules.
“Inmates will comprise the body corporate, so we expect no deviance from strata guidelines, nor any towels hanging on the railings.”
Inmates will also be given free reign over the underground section of the prison. As every Eastern Suburbs resident knows, it’s not a real renovation unless you’re digging out the basement, and Long Bay residents have a natural affinity with the underworld.
First published in The Beast magazine, January 2026
Image: Craig Wilson
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