Lovers of Nielsen Park know that greatness can’t be rushed.
They know that Rome wasn’t built in a day and that the Great Wall of China took 2000+ years to construct. That’s why they’re willing to endure summer upon summer without access to one of the most beautiful bays in Sydney Harbour National Park, while contractors replace the seawall with an edifice more impressive than any colosseum or structure visible from space.
Beachgoers don’t know how many dead bodies lie within the communist-era concrete monolith, or why authorities won’t issue a Stalinesque response to the contractor’s excuses.
They’re just happy to wait.
They’ll swelter through another Sydney scorcher without enjoying the tranquil waters, and content themselves with peering longingly though wire fencing as tide after tide carries more sand away from their beloved beach.
They will wait, for they know what awaits them if the seawall is ever completed.
They can look forward to being enthralled by Theatre of the Drowned, at which audience members can BYO cushion and sit on the communist concrete, or BYO Lilo and surround waterborne thespians as they deliver an aquatic version of Shakespeare’s classics.
Theatre goers will shout “No, it’s a garfish” when Macbeth asks “Is this a dagger which I see before me?” while high-school students past and present will rejoice as the Bard’s baffling banter disappears beneath the surface, rendering it even more incomprehensible than it is in print. The more macabre among us will rejoice as the tragedies end with every character floating face-down in the bay.
The wall will create ‘Un Arena sin Arena – A Sandless Arena’, which will prevent entertainment companies from staging land-based gladiatorial battles. Thus, the masses will enjoy visceral reenactments of the naval battles of Leyte Gulf, Jutland, Lepanto and Waterloo. Bacon and egg rolls will be served during the re-creation of the Bay of Pigs invasion, and, if Johnny Depp’s dog is granted a visa, locals might even land a role as an extra in the next instalment of Pirates of the Caribbean.
Nielsen Park regulars are also willing to wait because they feel safe at night knowing that northern hordes will never breach a wall of such imposing scale and brutal strength. Furthermore, before departing his many ministries, local boy Scott Morrison ordered the installation of anti-submarine defence systems within the seawall to protect Australia from regional players outside of the AUKUS pact.
The closing act of the greatest show to hit our shores features Waiting for Godot. Vladimir and Estragon will take to a tinny to present Samuel Beckett’s tragicomedy in two acts. Residents will empathise greatly with the characters, who wait for the promised Godot, who never arrives.
First published in The Beast magazine, December, 2024
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