Private schools of the Eastern Suburbs have been chosen to house Peter Dutton’s Small Modular Reactors (SMRs) as they require the same amount of land and tax dollars to build and maintain.
According to the LNP,
“SMRs are the Rolls Royce of energy generation and private schools are the Rolls Royce of education.”
Private schools will be gifted extra funding as well as permission to acquire land to accommodate the reactors, which Mr. Dutton believes will satiate local hunger for a clean energy revolution.
“We could have powered the region with Elon Musk’s ego,” continued the statement, “but that’s currently being shot into space.”
Private schools are considered a perfect source of power due to the enormous sense of entitlement among their students and the unbridled testosterone and toxic masculinity of the anachronistic bastions of male privilege.
Nuclear reactors also use copious amounts of water. Our local schools offer proximity to the ocean and impressive aquatic centres, as well as the tears of parents whose sons’ schools have started enrolling girls.
In addition, power will be generated on site from the kinetic energy of students tapping, liking, texting and swiping during frenzied cyber bullying of their classmates, their ex or ‘some random chick I’ve never even met.’
Social media also forms the nexus of the most innovative feature of the plan, known as the Energy Loop.
The Loop harnesses the vitriol of comments posted on local community Facebook pages and feeds it surreptitiously into the reactors via the students’ social media accounts.
Undiluted anger will light thousands of homes as locals complain about restrictions on their dogs, traffic during school drop-off and the construction of a wind farm in a different time zone. The religious zealotry of comments regarding international conflicts will keep the air con purring during summer, and in winter
“…we’ll keep you warm by burning a few 4 Corners reporters,” promised the Coalition.
Construction of nuclear power stations in the East has attracted criticism. Some fear students could create nuclear weapons in the Science lab, but the LNP replied,
“That just makes the Waverley College Cadet Unit annual camp a lot more exciting.”
Critics also cited nuclear waste as a reason to reject the proposal, but again the LNP allayed fears.
“Members of schools’ First XVs will take small bundles of waste home each weekend, and if they fail to dump it at Mt. Druitt, they’ll lose their scholarships.”
The LNP also reminded residents that nuclear energy is renewable and sustainable.
“The mere mention of SMRs will renew the tenure of Green, Labor and Teal candidates, and will sustain the Facebook frenzy which powers Mr. Dutton’s dream.”
First published in The Beast magazine, August 2024.
kieranblakewriter 