“Cappuccino thanks sweetheart”
“Certainly sir, anything else?”
“No that’s all”
“And for you sir?”
“Black tea”
“Right away.”
“See that story about Cook’s statue?”
“Which one?”
“At Randwick, graffitied it, threw paint on it.”
“Bloody woke panzies, trying to deny our history.”
“Too right, they’re just scared by a real man. They’re too weak to fight a war against twelve tall ships or survive being driven off their land to make way for livestock they’re not allowed to eat.”
“Wouldn’t eat it anyway, they’re all vegan.”
“Haha”
“And they go into meltdown if they don’t get their daily organic fair trade turmeric soy chai latte…
sweetheart, this coffee’s got full milk, bring us another one with soy…”
“Cholesterol?”
“No”
“I say we put these snowflakes in the Sydney to Hobart. That’ll toughen them up and show them what a true hero Cook was.”
“…go one further – make them circumnavigate Australia on a replica of the Endeavour.”
“Great idea, but they’d never do it would they? Nup, these days when things get tough snowflakes just run away”
“Yeah, to Hawaii”
“Mate, young people keep vandalising statues because they’ve got no respect for Australian history. I say take all school kids down to La Pa and make them fight the kids from Lycee Condorcet de Sydney – make them fight a real war, not a culture war.”
“With guns?”
“Of course, gotta be historically accurate.”
“That’d never happen either though would it. Schools are too soft these days.”
“Yeah, and all those leftie teachers brainwashing kids to change the date. I bet they don’t even know that Captain Cook planted the Union Jack at Kurnell on January 26, 1788.”
“Mate, kids these days are just culture warriors, not real warriors. Go defend your land, your kids, your family with just a spear against guys with guns and cannons, then call yourself a warrior.”
“I bet these vandals say they’re traumatised by Cook’s statue.”
“Spare me, try being herded into missions and forced to speak a new language and follow a new religion while some guy’s flogging you for speaking your mother tongue, then tell me you’re emotionally traumatised.”
“You got that right, or have your kids stolen by their rapacious father who gave them fair skin – never see them again. Be called animals until white people vote to call you people – that’s offensive. But, oh no, kids these days are offended by a statue.”
“What’s the world coming to, can’t even sledge someone on the footy field these days.”
“Eight weeks? Seriously? How are we supposed to stay in the 8 without a strong forward pack?”
“Exactly. A few stray words to a native never hurt anyone – just ask Cook.”
First published in The Beast magazine, July, 2024
Image: Sydney City
kieranblakewriter 