Eastern Suburbs residents have joined forces to destroy a threat to our way of life after Waverley Council failed to keep us safe.
Terrified locals have created Bat Slaying Hazard Intervention Taskforce (BatSHIT) to rid the region of the bloodthirsty bats which send us scurrying behind bolted doors at dusk and threaten the very fabric of our society.
“It’s not the first time bats have forced us into house arrest,” stated a spokesperson for BatSHIT on Sky After Dark,
“…and it’s not the first time our soft, woke, spineless authorities have kowtowed to the left and killed our freedom”
BatSHIT was created after Waverley Council rejected a motion to cut down trees or use sound devices to deter fruit bats from some of Sydney’s most exclusive suburbs, where traumatised locals fear for the safety of their families, pets and even their cars.
Bats are accused of leaving a slippery wet slush as well as droppings which may contain deadly viruses, as they descend upon neighbourhoods every summer and pose an even greater threat than British backpackers.
The detritus is being walked into homes, offices, cafes and Wellness studios, and according to one local lad,
“It seriously destroys the romance of Run Club.”
Experts suggest bats have congregated in suburbs such as Rose Bay due to the removal of hundreds of trees from Royal Sydney Golf Club. In response, BatSHIT wants to…
“Kill more trees”
“Waterfront residents have been recruited to poison fig trees and other species to destroy bat habitat,” and this is just one of many tactics designed to win the war on nature.
“We’ve armed every Boomer with a slingshot and every teenager with a weaponised drone. They’ll operate on the flanks of the corridor between The Botanical Gardens and Centennial Park and shoot down bats fleeing the nightly Death by Dusk death metal concerts at the SFS.”
Surviving bats will confront multiple Moonlight Cinemas playing Twilight on loop, and if pasty Pattinson doesn’t deter them, they’ll endure the faintly suppressed homoerotic tension between Batman and Robin.
Critics question the severity of the methods, to which BatSHIT replied,
“The bats had their chance”
“They rejected our suggestion to identify as dogs and earn protection. After all, have you ever heard of a dog leaving smelly droppings on the footpath, harassing young children, sinking its fangs into someone or keeping the whole neighbourhood awake at night?
Bats need to assimilate if they want to keep living here.”
BatSHIT assures residents the war will be won by Christmas, when we’ll all celebrate our liberation with a twilight concert in Rose Bay listening to Meatloaf drive the bats back to hell.
First published in The Beast magazine, June 2024
kieranblakewriter 