What is it about people in the Eastern Suburbs?
How are you able to provoke 100 satirical articles?
You have fuelled these flippant fables in the world’s pre-eminent monthly publication since 2015 and seem determined to continue.
Perhaps it’s your doggy devotion, which led to the creation of free adult literacy classes. These classes unfortunately proved as effective as the government schools you scorn for your human offspring, and failed to return public space to the public.
Poor literacy was also evident during COVID-19 lockdowns when you observed social distancing by watching others practice it, and again in the expletive-laden vitriol the canine-adjacent keyboard warriors send to the editor and to my website.
Perhaps it’s the abundance of locals who think they live in a village and identify as VIP. The unfashionably fashionable Bondi hipsters demanded their own passport, designed to keep ‘the other’ out of Bondi, but were as successful as the rest of you who expected the CBD and South East Light Rail project to be a Westie Wall.
Alas, the Westies and their ilk continue to sully our suburbs and spoil the haven of the VIP – or Very Important Pooch.
Maybe you just don’t understand satire. Just like Clovelly’s crocodiles, you’re all oversized juveniles whose alma-mater gifted you a fancy blazer and an old-boy’s network, but not an understanding of this nuanced niche. Google the term before you harass local councils, harangue our editor or hang yourself in the letters section over the Clovelly Beach congestion tax, the Waverley Cemetery luxury apartments or Centen’s new MTB trails.
Of course, your passionate fan mail could just be a sign of the times. After all, you can’t say anything these days, because some woke snowflake will take offence.
You can’t link Tony Abbott to Bra Boys and their shared determination to defend territorial waters, because this is offensive to Bra Boys.
You can’t elucidate the paradox of paying exorbitant fees at faith-based private schools while finding morality in café cliches rather than churches.
You can’t compare dog owners at Mckenzies Bay to junkies, because junkies don’t deserve the stigma.
You can’t attack local mums for staring at their phones while their gifted child pushes another off the swing, nor compare private school pick-ups to demolition derby.
And you certainly can’t compare local lads Scott Morrison and Malcolm Turnbull, because Malcolm and Lucy saved us, while Scotty the night watchman will spend the term of his natural life in the middle of Botany Bay.
Satire relies on people taking themselves too seriously, so a heartfelt thanks to all of you who find yourself featured in these articles, and a promise to find 100 more reasons to pay tribute to you people.
First published in The Beast magazine, May 2024
Image: Time Out Sydney
kieranblakewriter 