Multiple introduced animals are now officially listed as native species due to their prevalence in the Eastern Suburbs and their acceptance among locals.
Abundant cats and dogs, and even feral pests such as rabbits and foxes, now enjoy more protection than many native species in the newly-created Eastern Suburbs Feral Animal and Pet Protection Zone (ESFAPPZ)
“Eastern Suburbs resident are animal lovers,” announced a spokesperson for Introduced Species Idolisation Society (ISIS), the marketing consultants behind the decision.
“The establishment of ESFAPPZ recognises the decades of unwavering commitment to the protection of the species which were added to the list.”
Community Facebook pages mythologise the fox slinking around Clovelly most evenings, as well as the rabbits who have found a home with ocean views around Burrows Park. In addition, it is well known, and even well documented in this publication, how much residents of the East worship their dogs and cats.
Rebranding these and other species as native, and even allowing the animals to self – identify as native, enabled authorities to afford them protection into eternity despite the damage they inflict upon our delicate ecology.
In a land with the highest rate of native mammal extinction in the world, residents proudly welcomed the decision as a victory for the animals and as recognition for their endless devotion to the cause.
“Ignoring expert scientific advice to run our dogs at Mackenzies Bay and the Clovelly rock pools has finally been vindicated,” declared one Facebook user.
“Vandalising dog signs throughout the region and verbally abusing council rangers has finally paid off,” celebrated another. “So has empathising with our neighbours on social media when we hear of their cute little kitty returning home after a week of killing native animals.”
Another nameless account ridiculed critics of ESFAPPZ, who call for greater funding and programs for native animals.
“One has to laugh,” they wrote.
“Some poor soul even wrote an article to local media asking for donations for a wombat conservation project in the Blue Mountains. Darling, why would anyone in the East care about animals living so far west of Anzac Parade?”
Local restaurateurs also welcomed the news.
“Wild cuisine is trending both domestically and internationally, so the rebranding is a god-send for chefs seeking new markets in the post-covid era. We can now happily serve rabbit and fox for both mains and entrees, and are even experimenting with plates featuring pet dogs and cats.”
Diners can expect Myna hors d’oeuvre to precede cat with native stuffing and a new brand of hot dog.
“This new wildlife corridor has created so many new culinary treats, who knows what you’ll take home in your doggy bag.”
First published in The Beast magazine, November 2023
kieranblakewriter 