How will you respond to this question, with your grandchild at your knee?
What role will you play in the greatest sporting event on earth, which will grace our golden shores in 2026 after Dictator Dan withdrew the treasonous Victorians from the Commonwealth Games?
Now is the time for loyal subjects of the East to volunteer for this sporting homage to Empire and fill the following roles:
Stand in the baking sun for hours on end so you can tell your grandchildren you did but see them passing by and will love them till you die.
Push grommets off the Square at Clovelly, and the point between Bronte and Tama, to make way for the divers.
Touch up the Locals Only sign at Maroubra Beach to ensure that Aussies sweep the medals in the demonstration sport of surfing. If foreign bodies dare paddle out, be on hand to supervise the boxing bouts.
Sit in your car and shout abuse at the lads and lasses in lycra as they race for gold in Centennial Park.
Deny our problematic past and the horrors of colonisation to ensure both the Commonwealth Games and the House of Windsor are never referred to as anachronistic British institutions. Bury reminders that the winner of the Men’s 100m sprint at the Delhi Commonwealth Games in 2010 was ranked only seventh in his own country.
Join Taskforce Craig or Taskforce Malcolm and enjoy access to state-of-the-art surveillance equipment to monitor the movements of two of our most revolutionary residents.
Smother social media with vitriolic protests every time an English place name is replaced with an Indigenous Australian name.
Become a Pooper Scooper Trooper and clean up after the corgis.
Operate the cannon and accompanying holographic image which will be beamed into the sky every time an Aussie wins a medal and helps us laud our success over smaller Commonwealth nations who are too busy saving their islands from Australia’s carbon footprint to indulge in recreational activities.
Smile obediently as you marshal the royal family and attendant grifters into the SFS for the opening and closing ceremonies, and imagine the joyous scenes which denied the great unwashed of a paid role in the games.
Join the people’s choir to support Her Excellence Mrs Linda Hurley as she closes the best games ever with a stirring rendition of God Save the King.
By now you may be asking, what do I get out of this, apart from patriotic pride?
On top of the garish uniform, you’ll earn a popper and a muesli bar, plus a lifetime subscription to Sky News and an invitation to Prince Andrew’s next party.
First published in The Beast magazine, October 2023.
kieranblakewriter 