Australians forced into another snap lockdown.

The entire nation of Australia will be forced into lockdown on September 22 during the National Day of Mourning for Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II (RIP).

Residents of the Commonwealth country received a surprise public holiday after the death of the monarch, and were even more shocked to hear they must spend the day at home, just as they did during COVID-19 lockdowns. Except this time they’re not even allowed out to shop or exercise.

“Every person must remain indoors from 12am Thursday until 12am Friday in order to watch, listen to and read about Her Majesty, and to express their gratitude to the House of Windsor. Citizens, tourists and visitors must all obey the lockdown in order to mourn their outgoing Queen and pay homage to their new head of state,” read a decree from the office of the Governor General, Sir David Hurley.

“All public transport services will stop. Cars and other private vehicles must be off the roads and waterways. Parks and beaches will close, while businesses, government offices, schools, universities, cafes and restaurants must close, along with medical clinics. Emergency departments will remain open, and obviously police, first responders, doctors and other essential workers, such as tabloid news reporters, will be allowed to carry on their vital duties during the mourning process.”

Aussies planning to mark the day off with a barbecue have been given a rude shock. Instead, they will be texted an extensive list of approved prayers and tributes devoted to the royal family, to be recited with family members and house mates.

In addition, Royal Watchers will roam the streets dressed like pantomime characters to ensure everyone is mourning the greatest human being to have ever lived with appropriate outpourings of grief.

According to the decree, all streaming services will be put on hold, and regular programming across all media will be suspended to allow every network to broadcast endless tributes to the most important person in human history. Social media platforms will be blocked, unless they are transmitting complimentary coverage of the monarchs, while every cent of the budget for the national broadcaster, the Australian Broadcasting Commission, will be devoted to royal coverage.

“Thus, there will be no more programming on ABC television, iview or radio for the remainder of the financial year,” stated the Governor General’s office.

The snap lockdown was inspired by a peculiar source.

“The inspiration for the lockdown came from the Sultan of Brunei,” explained the Governor General’s office.

The Sultan of Brunei shuts down the entire nation during a Titah – or address to the nation, which can occur at any time. Every citizen, apart from emergency staff, must remain indoors and cease all activities in order to listen to the Titah, during which the Sultan discusses any topic he believes is important to the residents of the tiny Commonwealth nation.

The Sultan is a great friend of the British Royal Family and shares their ideals of freedom, democracy and equality for all. He and many of his relatives were also educated at exclusive institutions in The United Kingdom, such as the Royal Military Academy, Sandhurst.

Australians are expected to descend upon supermarkets between now and September 22 in a frenzied attempt to buy everything from bread and milk to beer and toilet paper.

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